Private pool, personal gym, office, Toto robot toilet… How is it possible to get value for money from a lavish penthouse hotel suite? Lotte Jeffs reports
How do you really make the most of your time in one of Los Angeles’ best hotel suites? As First World problems go it’s up there with “what upholstery should I choose for the private jet?”, and “Amalfi or Mustique in June?” But it’s bugging me, and I’m pacing around the 174 sqm presidential bungalow at the Beverly Hills Hotel in sunglasses and a white fluffy bathroom on the verge of an existential crisis.
Do I take a shower and turn on the steam room? But then the outdoor shower also looks appealing – how many is too many showers? I’ve already had a bath and been swimming in my private heated pool. Perhaps it’s time to stay dry and curl up on the sofa in front of the fire in my living room and read a book. Ha! Who am I kidding? There’s no way I’ll be able to relax when such splendours surround me.
I should do some work in that case. And I do have my own private office, complete with well-stocked book shelves, a mahogany desk and a fax machine. That’s what I’ll do – I’ll send a fax! “Greetings from the Beverly Hills Hotel in sunny California – wish you were here!” Unfortunately the only other person I know with a fax machine is my GP surgery in London, and I’m not sure this missive would go down well in the current climate.
I pace some more – walking in and out of rooms with my eyes open wide, trying to take everything in, committing it all to memory. Here’s my kitchen, here’s my dining room, here’s my bedroom with another open fire and the most sumptuous bed that has the softest sheets and a pile of pillows I could just melt into. But I don’t of course – there’s still too much to enjoy.
Outside there’s another dining area, sunloungers, a treadmill, space for a firepit. Look up at the palm trees, breathe in the sweet smell of jasmine. Gah! This is a nightmare. I’m so overwhelmed with opportunities for decadence, for the kind of rest and rejuvenation I dream of when I’m dragging my five-year-old to school back in London that I can’t relax.
How dare I be given such luxury! There’s only one thing for it. I open a bottle of champagne, and message my friend Andy who lives in West Hollywood. “Get here now!!”
With someone else to validate the amazingness of this experience I start to feel more at home, more present. We listen to music, chat by the pool, take a ton of selfies and finally I’m having fun and giving myself permission to chill out.
I have been gifted a one-night stay in this spectacular suite at the Beverly Hills hotel after a small issue with my original room, which was promptly dealt with and then followed up by a phone call from the manager and an invitation to return to enjoy the very best this iconic hotel has to offer. How could I say no?
I wonder if when you pay the tens of thousands of dollars to stay here, you feel so determined to get your money’s worth that you too are paralysed by FOMO. Or maybe if you’re someone who can afford it, it doesn’t even occur to you and you probably just order room service, watch Netflix and go to bed early.
‘It’s deeply, somatically soothing to be a guest of the Beverly Hills hotel’
Because how is it ever possible to get value for money from a hotel suite? We’re limited by what it is to live, to just be in a space. I mean, you can sit on every sofa, lie on every bed, use every setting on the Toto robot toilet, consume the contents of the mini bar, skinny dip in the private pool, use every towel, cover yourself in the bespoke body lotion but you’re still you, still a human in a hotel trying to live your best life.
Having spent 24 hours cosseted in the most incredible luxury I think I’ve figured it out. The value doesn’t come from the suite itself although there’s no denying that the Presidential Bungalow, with its tasteful modern styling, capacious proportions, walk-in wardrobe/dressing room and commitment to your enjoyment at every touchpoint is unparalleled. What you are paying for really is something else.
It’s about being transported, whisked away from the mundanity of your life and for a short time held in such comfort that you needn’t expend any effort whatsoever beyond picking up the phone and asking for what you desire to be delivered.
When, as adults, are we ever taken such good care of? It’s deeply, somatically soothing to be a guest of the Beverly Hills hotel, no matter what category of room. I can say that having experienced both a Deluxe Room with a balcony and the Presidential Bungalow. It makes sense that so many celebrities have, over its 100-year history, been residents here. If you’re feeling at all vulnerable or burnt out it’s a sanctuary.
In the spa, bespoke banana leaf wall coverings and shades of deep blue inspired by the precious stone lapis lazuli help create an oasis within an oasis. I have one of the best massages of my life here, in the capable hands of one of the therapists who has been loosening the muscles of the great and the good for years. Her experience shines through and I let go of the need to think that I’m enjoying everything and instead feel it, completely.
I have breakfast in the Polo Lounge. Observing the waiters work the room, with its iconic striped ceiling and well worn carpet, is like watching A-list actors perform a theatre show, late into the run.
They know the material so well, have memorised every cue and mark that they can afford to have a little fun with it, maybe even improvise. There’s an appealing buzz even at 7am, as deals are being done, stars are being made and money is talking, all over black coffee, egg white frittatas and the obligatory Green Envy juice.
Maybe it’s not just staying in the Presidential Bungalow that is making me dizzy with possibilities for enjoyment. The hotel itself is so iconic that it’s easy to feel as if you’re not really here. Its image is embedded in cultural consciousness. The palm print! The pink! The cursive font! The red carpet entrance! This is the stuff of Hollywood myth – and even the reality can feel like a dream. 
What I think helps one stay grounded as a guest, is the community of staff tasked with keeping the dream alive each day. These professionals have perfected that effortless blend of efficiency and friendliness and seem to know what it is you need before you do. A genuine smile amid the artifice of this city goes a long way. Warmth along with pride in their work radiates from every individual.
There’s always a reason to visit, but this summer (for the second year running) Dior has again swooped in to add some fashion gravitas to its perky pink personality.
The French fashion house has taken over the spa and decorated the pool cabanas – it’s a partnership destined to attract well-heeled locals as well as international visitors and will add even more magic to the formidable fantasy of the Beverly Hills Hotel.